Shweta's Chavi

Shweta & Adit

AND today for the first time in all these years I saw the scars I have given myself. The scars I etched on my soul because I wasn't perfect for others. The scars because I let down my loved ones, hurt them in a fit of anger or I wasn't upto the expectations they had from me. Today I see those scars only to realize I am human and humans make mistakes. For the one time I disappointed them there would be uncountable times I made them proud to have me, for the one time I hurt them there would be a million smiles I would have smeared on their face, for the one time I wasn't upto their expectations there would be numerous instances where I have surpassed their wishes. And just because I was human enough to be angry, hurt or wrong for once, they put to question my love for them. And to prove that I still did, I scarred myself so they understand my love for them is unmoved, untainted. Is loving me so hard that the first crack in my perfection sends them packing? Because as humans we are all flawed, broken, imperfect. And all I know is, you need love the most when you least deserve it. So the next time you love someone, love so well that the imperfections fade, scars heal and they don't blame themselves. Because in the end we are all imperfect searching for someone who finds the beauty in our imperfection. Which again puts me to the question that IS IT WRONG TO BE AFRAID OF LOVE? Because everytime I find the courage to stay, people leave and they take a part of me that I'll never get back. The irony of it is, the more I loved, the bigger the part they took away and instead of feeling lighter my heart felt heavier. Almost to the point of being suffocated under this enormous load of remorse. Maybe it's because they leave behind false hopes, empty promises, fancy words and those beautiful eyes and lovely smiles. Smiles that are gonna haunt me for the remaining nights of my life. Those eyes that I'll try to find in everyone I meet. Why do they make me feel wanted only to leave a hollowness later and take away the smile I got when I saw myself in a mirror. Is loving someone unconditionally such a heinous crime that I'm exiled to my own hell with these demons who devour me, rob me of every little happiness I ever had. It's in the dead silence I hear her voice and my heart even though shattered breaks a little more. She told me that she understood me, saw how much I had lost, sacrificed and she was gonna love me for everything I have and everything I have lost. But as my fingers search for hers in the pitch dark nights, her words makes hope feel like nothing but another burden. But in the end I sit watching the starlit sky feeling the ache, the ache called love in my chest making breathing a little harder. Because I'll always carry the love I have in the catacombs of my tainted heart. Is it wrong to be afraid of love? Because I am... just_want_to_get_rid_of_this_feeling

BUT one fine day As I slowly walked away, Thinking about how badly I wanted to stay, all those promises of unconditional love, and yet I was walking away without a word. I had to leave cause she couldn't see me slowly die. I love her so much that I chose to lie. My heart was making silent pleas, wanting answers to why we couldn't be, wishing to turn around just once more. But just one look and I knew I couldn't go. Every step I took burnt a deeper hole and by the end of it, I knew I had lost my soul.

I was your's for eternity or maybe even more.

My heart gently forgetting to beat realizing you were mine no more.

Every moment flashing in front of my eyes.

Suddenly there was a memory that made me lose it all and cry, the memory of how we first met and how this story started...

I should've known there and then, that I had to be ready to be ruined, cause that's what love has had for me all my life...

And when your heart breaks, you pray to god that it's just a nightmare and when you wake up it's all gonna be okay. But you just have to keep living it all over again everyday of your life...

Everytime I go back to my own version of hell tonight. Maybe that's what you do when you hurt the one you love. You walk back in that pit of fire, to those demons that they tried to save you from. So they can devour your soul and rip you to shreds one more time...

Finally I realized Someone, somewhere, unknowingly, every individual is going through a similar kind of pain. Maybe that's why when you are hurt, you always seem to find something to relate too. Cause you are neither the first one to go through it nor are you going to be the last!

#mixed_emotions #hope_this_passes_away_soon_enough

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